Saliva Collector!

Dec 30^th

Bangalore/Bengaluru*

Yes, I had become one (NO! Not self proclaimed, but was made into one!).

After a hectic jobless week in the office, Friday was a welcome relief (Mmmm). It was the last working day of the year and Sunday would welcome New Year and I was on my way to Madras to celebrate it.

Life couldn’t be better- I was on time to the railway station to catch my train, tickets booked months in advance, I’d bought all the items my mom had asked me to, the activities for the weekend were perfectly scheduled. Well, just like my LG laptop, Life’s Good!

Everything became hazy or feel good factor waned away when a handicapped beggar arrived (The bugger who cleans the floor for alms). I was in no mood to donate or rather remained aloof about the whole issue of giving alms (Well, the debate of whether to contribute or not was being conducted within myself was never over… I used to be the guy, who used to do it, but sometime back when the debate started, I never did give alms, as the debate was never won conclusively!).

And by the way I forgot to mention that the coach I boarded also had my college senior (meeting him after 4years) with his fiancé and their relatives. To my surprise there was also another girl (when am I going to stop the practice of addressing woman as ‘girl’ instead of ‘lady’?) seated near the window whom I never recognized as my office colleague (I finally did, when I asked her to switch on the fan, but she stared at and kept nodding at me. I thought what the crap?! Then finally realised I played stupid!).

The stage was set, and the conversation began, I had to maintain a conversation with the senior and my colleague (It was after a long time that I’d met her!). All was smooth till the beggar arrived to our part!

He kept begging and no one ever had the slightest intention of stopping his cribbing! And there came the biggest shock! It was over in a flash. (As the famous quote goes: Vini, Vidi, Vici) He came, He begged and He spat on me and sped! I was clueless or rather dumbstruck and so were the others!

It was not the embarrassment (partly), but ‘why me?’ was the question! Like the Matrix, I was the chosen one! Yeah, the bugger beggar chose me as though it was written all over me “Inge thuppum idam!” (spit here)! I was at the time thinking of Physics- The angle, trajectory and the initial velocity were near to perfection that I was bathed in his saliva and I became, thereafter, Saliva Collector!

On analysis with all the others near me, I think I started when it was Yemakandam time! Enna partha yellorukkum kenai mathiri theriyuthu! What to do?!

Further thinking on various stuffs, I recalled a conversation with my mom over the phone (It was after the shoot out at the Bangalore IISc, a prof was killed)

She calls and says “Kanna… Have a shave and go out tomorrow”. Well, how do I interpret it? I had a beard and I (assumed) looked like a scientist, but when my mom called, I was not sure whether she does not want me to be mistaken for a scientist or a terrorist?! Thus I spate!

Of all he people, why did the beggar chose me as the porikki? Meanwhile there were police entering every coach. Two escorts in each. And the fun began, people started to pull my leg- They started to advise me to be in good behaviour even though my appearance was not at all pleasing thus, I can be mistook for a terrorist (Oh I forgot to say this: I was having a hair style which looked like a week after tonsure! It added more spice to the appearance. Perfect!)

Everyone had a very good time, I enjoyed entertaining these people, but the thing does not vanish out my mind, why and how I became one (Koothula Komali?! Nope, Saliva Collector...). Perhaps I made a mistake, as soon as I’d entered the coach I should have climbed onto the upper berth, that way he never would have had a chance to reach me. Either, thanks to gravity, it would have sprayed on him or onto others, who would have been the potential target! Blimey! Wait a sec, God could have played a foul game and his saliva would still have reached me, after all it was never my day! I was destined to be Yaecha Porikki!

And finally when I reached Madras, I received a message on my mobile (Hutch, Karnataka) – “Please be informed that Bangalore City has been peaceful today. All rumours of armed persons in the city are baseless. Commissioner of Police, Bangalore City”.

A friend of mine recieved a message in his mobile (Airtel, Madras) "Commissioner of Police - Help us to protect you. Wish you a happy, safe and prosperous 2006" - Damage complete!

* Oxford dictionary should alter the word Bangalored to Bengalurudu!

Hair Raising Experience!!!

I'm not attaching any pictures; it would make the post awful!

When I was a kid, my mom always insisted on using the ‘thengaai ennai’ to keep my hair healthy and neatly combed, but heroes never used them, so why should I? Always fascinated with long hairs, I thought I should grow too and have them bouncy kinda stuff! Well, it was only a thought and remained so forever! Our bram-families always advise to have long hairs, but you notice them only among kovil gurukals, and it always used to be tied and neatly combed using thengaai ennai. Also they would shave their front part of their head (or are they bald?). No idea why they do that! Guess, I’m deviating from the topic. If I’d to grow hair, I should be like them (similar to Ambi) and not like Remo! All set thought I can manage and started growing, but after few weeks I noticed that I couldn’t style it! Reasons: Certain areas were not-dense, curling and OMG! I was balding!

People can never come in terms to associate me with hair, let alone hair style! But, I too had dreams!

What more do I need than getting stung by seeing every other guy here in Bangalore having such lengthy hair that it becomes little difficult to know to which gender they fall into! And you keep starring at them for either reason (thinking that they are of opposite gender or you know it is a ‘he’ but admire his hair style), but other people notices that you are showing the signs of becoming GAY! Sigh! What a world?!

Meanwhile, my thoughts wandered to implant artificial hair, may be try out some hair growing cream or some magical potion that can instantly change you for good! Thus, I, along with my uncle’s friend, went to Dr. Bhatra’s Clinic to check out their treatment on hair loss. Well, it was a costly affair and I ended up in ditching it. They wanted 12G for it! Mayira pochu! (forgive my slang) I left gasping… Much ado about something that we normally used to rebuke others with!

As time went on, I had become immune to all these ideas, notions and thoughts!

And now, sitting and rambling, ranting, not about everything, but HAIR! My present hair style is similar to the 5-days-after-tonsure look! It is not that by this way I can at least prolong the permanent hair loss, but I do not like this hair falling everywhere! I hate it!

On other thoughts: Life I too good to be spent worrying, and that too on Hair, is worthless!

What would you do seeing a bald man going past you? Would you,

1. Never notice him?

2. Have little laugh inside you?

3. Mock him with your friend?

4. Slide your hand through your hair, feeling the same might happen to you?

Till a year back I used to stick with options 2 and 3. But now I’m stuck with option 4 forever!

Kids! Why should they grow up?!

About a month ago, we moved to a newly built apartment-kind-of house (The previous one was a godown!). It was new to-be finished with almost 90% complete. And in that street there were lots of kids with a passion for gully (and not this) cricket, like all of us had. On a Sunday when I was up at the terrace washing clothes, I chanced upon eyeing the game they were playing. The whole preparation and executing reminded me of my school cricket days!

Preparation:

One of the hunks goes from house to house, in a cycle, pulling out each kid. At one such instance, one of the kids emerged from the balcony and mimed that he'll not be able to make it (Remember those days when we used to say the same thing, with our mom/dad at our back and seeing whether we'd completed our homework(s) before we ventured onto the streets with a bat?!). He was miming that (It is a disadvantage/pity that I could not show the whole process. Hope you can run an imaginary video in your head or reminiscence of a similar incident) his mom is inside and he cannot step out today. To which the hunk returned miming "Why don't you sneak out?" The kid on the balcony replies back that it is next to impossible and will join the next day's game! The hunk leaves disappointed!

The game:

With everyone around, the teams made and the game begins. For sometime it went on well before the usual happened: One hits the ball into the forbidden house! At once, everyone huddles together (like the Indian team, BTW what do you think of Ganguly's dismissal in the Chennai test match? Does he have a chance? There's a general feeling the even Sachin must be dropped! Back to the topic.) As always, a unanimous decision is taken at the huddle "Dai, nee than antha balla veetukkulla adicha, athu nala neeye poi kelu!" (You hit the ball, so it is you who has to get it back!). Batsman keeps the bat down and goes to the house and asks for the ball from the aunty who is at the gate who is refusing to give it back, and complains to the neighbour "Eppothum ippadi thanga en veetukkalaye adikaranaga!" (These kids always hits the ball into my house!), to which the neighbour nods and says the same thing!

Good ol' school days!

I still remember the good old school days (Not with the teachers, but with the Cricket we played!) Adi running away with the stumps when he was pissed off, and the next one when Dilip hit a six of Karthik's delivery and shouted "Fetch it!" To which furious Karthik says, showing the middle finger "Dilip, F***er, don't you ever come here again for playing!" And what happens, next week all of us play the next game!

What a wonderful life we had! There used to be Street Cricket, Terrace Cricket. We have played everything!!! I still will not forget Jayanth's answer, when he hit a ball, straight off the bat, to outside the terrace, which went all the way down and he was declraed OUT!, "Machi, pitchu da!" That was ultimate! Too good! Also couple of times when I was hit striaght on my D*** by Dilip (What the hell? Do not laugh, it was painful!). Also when Adi, while playing a knock-out (Or Nakku-outu as Shri Hari used to call it!) Volley Ball shouted (at the same time caught his stuff below the abdomen) "Machan! Something fell da!" And left the ball (but caught his! Afraid that it fell!) ROFLOL!!!

We had nice time, no question about that!

At 3!

Destination: Planet Fashion, Jayanagar 4th Block, Bangalore, India

As a routine of a regular walk to Jayanagar (for a cup of coffee), me and another colleague headed to Jayanagar Cotha's Coffee Shop. After a steaming, refreshing cup, we headed to, main part of the journey, Planet Fashion. My colleagues who is leaving to US this weekend, was in need of a apparels.

The hunt was on, but I found a place to sit at the corner of the showroom and after a few minutes on the mobile, I heard someone speaking in Bram-Thamizh and it was a kid's voice! For sometime I sat there listening, intently, to what she was saying. She was talking about selecting some particular colours which her mom was picking for the kid's dad. From another end I heard an old lady, talking in Bram-Thamizh accent. She was pleading to the child to stop roaming and have the food which she was carrying around - "Konthey (Not kozhanthey!), vaadi vanthu saapudu di. Vaadi konthey!" (Child, come here and have your food) This went for sometime. Curious, I stood up and searched hither and thither for the kid. To my surprise I saw a kid, who was barely 3yrs! I was expecting her to be around 5 or 6. To some the figure hardly makes a difference, but for me it makes a lot. Yeah, accepted that today's kids are really smart! And I found the revelation pretty hard to digest!

The kid was on her own - identifying colours, which I learnt only when I was in the middle school! She went on "Amma, appakku ithu vangalama? Intha colour (_____, fill the colour)) romba nanna irukku." (Mom, can we buy this colour for dad?) And her paatti shouts backs asking her to come back for the next turn of intake. Well, she was so hyper active, as every kid could be, she went skating on the mirror like reflecting floors and kept falling intentionally. She was enjoying it. Paatti gets frustrated and yells back "Konthey paathu, kai kall ellam azhukku pannrey, vanthu saappudu diiii!" (Child, be careful, you may fall and make your hands and legs dirty, come and have your food), she continues "Ippo nee varala na, nan itha vera yaar kittayavathu koduthurven. Illa na naney saattuduven!" (If you do not come now, I'll pass this across to someone else, or might have it myself!) Kid, thinks for sometime and stops roaming and innocently says "Paati, enakku athu pidikkala, neeye sattudu." (Grandma, I do not like it, you can have it!) I was about to fall flat on my stomach and start laughing for the mokkai which the kid had, so innocently, returned back to her paati! But refrained myself only for an uncontrollable laugh! That was an ultimate answer, with a superb timing.

After this, she went in search of her mom, who was at the T-Shirt section (quite a nut, I went following as though I was following the lifetime babe!!! ;-), but it just a baby!) Yeah, I followed where-ever she went. And so, off to the T-Shirt section. There she was advising her mom, "Amma intha T-Shirt vaangu ma!" (Mom, buy this T-Shirt!) What's with that sentence? It is a normal one, but not for kid of 3! At 3, I hardly knew a difference between - Sokka, sattai and a 'Shirt'! (Sattai and sokka are tamil equivalent for Shirt (I presume!))

Exposure, grasping-power, and of all - a mind to be moulded! Today's kids are, well I'm dumbstruck with awe. As Vadivelu says: No talkings!

For those non-Tamil speakers: The translation may not be appealing as it would have lost its essence of pun!